I’m sitting in front of my laptop and I don’t know where to start from. Next to it, I can see my candle and the light that comes from it. I’m thinking, what does that light mean to life?
I have no answers. I just have feelings that push me, push my fingers on the keyboard to type either this or the other word. And I am a stranger to myself. If I was a candle, would I share my light? If I am a candle, a humane candle, do I light on others?
It’s night and late. This is gonna be my first writing, my first attempt to express this ego in a way I haven’t done until now. Am I the same person when I’m thinking in english? The same when I do so in greek? Is this a different aspect of me? I cannot tell. I am just focusing on the light.
When I was younger, I just wanted to change the world, to make it a better place. Now that I’m almost 30, I just try not to let the world change the kid I once was. That child still lives inside me, even if the body is getting older, even if the light from my eyes is losing its power, the soul of the child I was back then keeps asking me for candy. And today, it’s not the same candy as it used to be. Nothing contains sugar now. Child’s candy today is the relaxation combined with deep thoughts. That’s all it asks for, no real candy, no play, no money or women, just pure thoughts in an inactive body that makes me hurt a bit.
Once I dreamt of becoming something, and I woke up the next moment in severe stress. What should I become that I am not already? Why focusing on changing when everything I truly need is already here, deep inside me, waving at me, asking for some attention.
I am cruel. I let no space for sabotage from others because I am the person that sabotages me the most. My true enemy is inside my brain. My true friend as well lies in there. I am just a contradiction. A life full of possibilities is not enough for cruels like me, so I want to minimise them in a way that nothing will make sense anymore. I chose loneliness once again, not because I prefer it of course, but because I know its pain and I can handle it.
But while being lonely, can I be a lighted candle? Can I share myself with others when I’m cold like a dead emotional body? I’ve got no idea, I’m just investigating, exploring the world inside me. Here I am, trying, or I should better say struggling, to convince myself that I’m okay. But who am I to fool you?
The candle needs to be lighted up, as the world needs the light to see itself and admit its existence. I, as well as we, need something to light me up. Do I talk about love? If I do so, this is just because I’m afraid of death. The death, but not this that most of people are afraid of, no, I’m talking about the death that we should fear, the emotional death that makes us look like zombies. This is the real threat.
The child inside me asks for some attention, asks for some love but I do no other than punishing him because he has been such a trouble. I wanted to write in a positive way, I wanted to show others that I’m doing fine, but I guess that all I wanted to say is that I’m burning deep inside me. And all the flames are not enough to light my candle up. I’ve got potential, I’ve got light to share, but instead, I just keep avoiding what I need the most.
Let’s name it love, let’s identify it as light.
The candle just went out.